How can two years have already passed since you left this world? I still remember making that very difficult decision, to let you decide that you were ready to go. I wanted to try everything to save you; however you were so tired of being in pain and were ready to be with Grandma and all who have passed on before. I remember sitting with you in that hospice room, surrounded with love by family and last visits from friends. I remember telling you over and over that it was okay to let go and that I would be okay. I remember holding your hand with Ashley and counting down your breaths each minute. I remember losing it so very badly when you took your last breath and then telling you that I was not okay and wanted you back. I remember the support from family and friends as we laid you to rest. I remember having to get back to the business of living without you.
Even though it’s been two years, I still haven’t been able to watch the video of you telling me that you love me, over and over. I remember it being a game between us. Me: I love you. You: I love you too. Me: I love you more. You: No, I love you more. Me: I love you even more. You: I love you to the moon and back. It was our special way of saying hello and good-bye each time we were together.
So much has happened in that time and I still want to pick up the phone, send you a Card, visit with you and talk…laugh, cry…do the things we used to do. I see little messages from time to time and that comforts me. I love finding old cards and letters because they make me feel close to you. I still dream about you and am able to talk to you that way and send prayers to you in heaven. I know that you still watch over me, making sure I’m okay. And I want you to know that I am okay. I take things day by day and it gets easier with time. It’s special occasions that are the hardest. I dread Mother’s Day every year…I get so emotional. The day you passed, your birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas…all have emotional attachments that I am learning to live with and try to remember you with happy thoughts…always wishing you were still here.
So with that, I want you to know that I miss you, Mom! I love you more. I love you all the way to Heaven and know that you are saying it back to me. I love you to the moon and back.